My secrets.

Posted: 18th January 2011

1. I’m a eighteen year old Irish girl.
2. I’m 5ft4 and 1/2”
3. I can’t swim.
4. I’m a size 14.
5. Medically, I’m considered obese for my height.
6. I’ve lost more close friends in the last 2 years than I had all before that.
7. I cannot comprehend self harm or suicide. That sounds stupid and selfish but I actually cannot understand how someone could end their life. I’ve heard all the reasons: attention, for release etc. but I just don’t understand it.
8. I have two true fears in my life: Being alone forever and someone close to me dying, because of suicide or something that I could have helped with.
9. I am completely for homosexual rights. No one should be discriminated against.
10. I wonder a lot if I am actually bi.
11. I listen to a lot of different types of music and I will give anything a shot.
12. I hate the fact that I’m alone. It kills me.
13. I idolize band members and book characters because they’re who I wish I was.
14. I’ve changed a lot in the past year. I’m grateful for it, but I also know I have a long way to go.
15. I have never smoked or done drugs. I don’t drink a lot either, simply because I see people who do it for all the wrong reasons: attention and because they want to be “cool” and I refuse to be like that. I refuse to be the small minded teenager who submits to peer pressure.
16. I get along better with 20something year olds better than I do people from my own age group. They like me cause I’m my own person who at the age of 18 doesn’t drink much or smoke or do drugs even when offered and instead is fairly well educated in music and books. But I’m still nothing but a 18 year old girl who’s their friend’s younger sister to them.
17. I am a really social person but I still don’t like to go out because I can never be what my friends are.
18. Following on from the last one, I kinda wish I could be one of those girls. The girls who go out all the time and have guys hanging off them and smoke and drink and take drugs and come home every night at 5 in the morning and dress up nice for going out and don’t give a shit about school because they don’t have to. But no, I’m one of the “Can’t go out” girls who’s fat and scared. And I could probably deal if I was good in school but lately I’ve discovered that I’m not (even though I thought I was), I’m not even above average. I’ll never be better than the people I aspire to.
19. I’m really really fucking lonely these days.
20. After watching Skins, I find myself wanting to smoke, something I had NEVER considered before.
21. 10 things I Don’t Like About My Physical Appearance
22. I really hate the fact that I can’t be who I want to be.